Natsu is Done With His Useless Lesbian Friends
by Jinx13GXA
Summary: Natsu is tired of listening to his friends rant to him about how much they love each other yet can't have one another, so he teams up with Mira to make it happen. He also decides to make Wendy and Chelia's coming out a bit easier.


The sun hadn't yet dared to peak over the icy horizon of Magnolia, and the frigid air made the city's early risers shiver. Despite the fact that there were few people there, the Fairy Tail guild hall was bustling with noise and music. The few early risers were stringing up lights and decorations as they screamed the lyrics to Christmas Carols.

Natsu was stringing lights along the rafters, the bright colors illuminating the still ares of the guild. He checked for dead bulbs as he went, but if he missed any, he was sure that no one would notice. "Natsu!" The shout startled the pinkette causing him to lose his balance. The strands if lights caught his limbs as he fell and ultimately kept him from hitting the floor.

Laughter echoed off the walls as Nastu looked up at a startled Mira, "Are you alright?" She was holding a tray of warm drinks, but the tray tilted as she reached to help untangle Natsu.

"Watch the drinks!" Mira straightened the tray, narrowly avoiding pouring them all over Natsu. "I can get myself out of this no problem, and yes I'm fine. I'm guessing you shouted to tell me my tea was done?" She nodded, "just leave it on the table then. Thanks Mira!" Natsu sighed as he quietly began to untangle himself. _Every fucking year with the fucking lights._

Several quiet cuss words escaped his lips as he twisted and turned in an attempt to get out, which is exactly what Lucy saw first as she entered the guild. "How the hell?" Natsu paused in his movements, and the two of them stared at each other for a minute or so. "Do I want to know how you managed that?"

"Long story short, I'm cursed and this shit happens every year. Don't worry about it."

Lucy just shook her head as she passed her teammate. "You're ridiculous."

The pinkette huffed, "And when I get down from here in a hour, I can and will kick your ass." This earned another round of laughter from Fairy Tail's early risers as Natsu went back to untangling himself.

As others arrived, they were swiftly pulled into decorating. The massive tree needed ornaments, the outside needed its own set of lights to be hung, and the unmeltable ice statues had yet to go up. Unfortunately, Gray was not a morning person, and would likely not be seen until afternoon.

As the day progressed, the smell of food permeated the air, for tonight was Christmas Eve, and Fairy Tail would soon begin it's party.

* * *

Wendy was frantic. Half of her outfits were strewn across the room and covering every surface they touched. "No no no no no no _no._ What did I _do_ with it?" Clothing swapped places and ended up stacked or half-folded as she tore her room apart. Shirts went flying, a pair of pants ended up under her bed, and she doesn't even know what happened to that last hat.

A pair of warm hands clamped down on Wendy's shoulders, and she nearly screamed. "It's just me." She turned fast enough to give a normal person whiplash as she delivered a harsh smack. " _Ow_. The fuck was that for?"

"Stop doing that!" Wendy shouted.

Natsu rubbed at the bright red hand print with his free hand. He tossed a bag onto her bed with the other. " _Fine_ , next time you're late and I guess it's because you forgot where a certain something was, don't expect me to help you." His smiled as he yanked Wendy back and affectionately noogied her. "See you later, you little shit."

" _Natsu_! My _hair_." He laughed as he left, but Wendy couldn't be too angry. _He did bring me my missing outfit._

* * *

Air escaped Natsu's lips in small white puffs as he ran back across town to Lucy's house. He had a lot more work to do if his oblivious pining friends were actually going to get their shit together.

 _And I still need to give Chelia "The Shovel Talk." Not that there'd be any shovels necessary if she were to hurt Wendy._

* * *

Lucy should have expected it. She really should have. The moment she left her bath, Natsu was there eating her food. "Hey, Luce!"

"Damn it, why!"

* * *

The first thing anyone saw when they entered the guild was the beautiful rainbow lights being refracted by Gray's ice. They gave the room an almost ethereal feel, which was then accented by the suspended, unmelting snowflakes that twinkled in the air.

As long as they came in alone, there wouldn't be anything for them to complain about.

Mira had asked Freed to set a rune trap by the front door. Anyone who entered with more than one person would be stuck in a meter by a meter square, directly beneath the mistletoe.

That's why Natsu took the back entrance in.

A handful of other mages had decided to come to Fairy Tail's Christmas Bash, and while it was amusing to watch Itchiya bug Erza, no one was quite sure why she hadn't punted him into the sun yet. Lyon sat quietly in the corner with Gray, so that's where Natsu decided he was going.

"Can you not find someone else to bother?" Gray muttered.

"Oh, I could," Natsu responded, "but it wouldn't be as fun. That and there's a front row seat to the shit that's 'bout to go down."

Gray raised an eyebrow questioningly, but Natsu didn't bother giving him an answer. _They'll find out soon enough._

* * *

Wendy smoothed out the soft velvet of her dress nervously. Chelia was coming with her to the guild party, and she had planned on letting everyone know they had been dating for a while. Her heels clicked against the concrete as she walked to the small coffee shop they agreed to meet at, and the jittery feeling faded as she caught site of Chelia. She took off running and tackle hugged her girlfriend, "Chelia!"

The impact knocked the wind out of Chelia, who Wendy had accidentally pinned between her and the snow covered grass. Several passersby chuckled at their antics, and Wendy buried her face in Chelia's shoulder. "Hey, Wendy."

"Hey." The duo shared a quick peck as Wendy pulled Chelia to her feet. They began knocking snow off of one another, stealing small kisses all the while. Chelia tucked Wendy's hair back behind her ears and she put the small Santa hat back on her girlfriend; it had fallen off during the tackle hug. "You ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Chelia responded.

"Then let's go." They walked to the guild hand in hand without a care in the world.

* * *

It took every bit of self control Natsu had not to burst out laughing when Wendy and Chelia walked right into the invisible wall. Both of their noses squished against their faces, and it sounded as if they'd run into a glass door.

"What is this?" Wendy ran her hand around the entire box, and several other guild members laughed.

"Looks like nee-san has caught her first victims this year," Efman said. The girls made eye contact with him, but he only pointed upwards, confusing them farther.

Beside him, Natsu heard Gray hiss, "I was really hoping she'd ditch the mistletoe this year."

"She doesn't have anything planned for you," Natsu clarified.

Gray raised an eyebrow, "the two of you are in cahoots? Since when?"

"Well, you see," Natsu ran a hand through his hair awkwardly, "there's a couple people That are hardcore pining and I'm both tired of listening to it and of being accused of dating them."

Cheers overtook whatever it was that Gray said next, and a quick glance up front revealed the blazing red faces of Chelia and Wendy. The duo marched over to their table, ignoring their questions. "Natsu Dragneel I'm going to kill you for warning me about that."

Natsu snorted. "You were going to tell them anyways!"

She playfully swatted at him, "If I didn't love you like you were my brother I'd have murdered you several times over by now you jerk."

"I guess I should count myself lucky that my dearest little sister cares, then." He paused for a moment, eyeing Chelia up and down carefully. "I'd give you the shovel talk, but there wouldn't be anything left to bury if you hurt her. Is that clear?"

The smile on his face completely offset the seriousness of his tone, and it sent shivers down Chelia's spine. "Of course."

"Good," he ruffled her hair the same way he usually did Wendy's, which seemed to ease the tension. "Now go have fun. I have one other set to hook up."

From behind him, he heard a scoff, "Are you even sure they like one another?" Lyon was looking at him as if he'd lost it.

"I get that you think I'm crazy for helping Mira," Natsu began, "but all three of them have ranted to me about each other while both drunk and sober. Besides, all I'm doing is moving the mistletoe."

"Are you sure they aren't going to kill you for this?" Gray asked.

"Nope!"

* * *

Lucy didn't know why she had agreed to wear the outfit Natsu had picked for her, but here she is. The tight jeans made her look like she'd been poured into them, and the ugly Christmas sweater was not something she'd usually wear.

The table she was at gave her a perfect view of Erza and Kagura, who were sharing a slice of strawberry cake. They had invited her to sit with them earlier, but she didn't want to be their third wheel. It would just be another reminder that the people she liked were out of her reach.

The bench shifted beneath her as Cana plopped down. Her usual bikini top had been replaced with one that looked like Santa hats. "Hey Lucy. Hope you don't mind me sitting here, but Mira ran me away from the bar."

"Not at all," Lucy replied. She fished a book out of her purse and turned to where she left off.

"There's a party going on and you're going to read a book?" Cana asked.

"Yep." _It's also a good distraction to keep me from staring._

"Whatever floats your boat, I guess." They sat in silence for a while, Lucy reading and Cana drinking. It was only broken when Cana finished her keg. "Ah~ I'm going to get a refill. You want anything?"

"No thanks, Cana," she whispered. Cana gave her a look, but didn't respond. Almost as soon as she'd left, Juvia came and sat down. "Um, hi." Lucy couldn't help but curse her luck. Both of the people she wanted to avoid had been the ones to talk to her.

"Juvia just wanted to sit for awhile. You can ignore her." She had chosen to wear a simple red dress for the party, but it still caught the light beautifully. The bench shifted again, and Lucy became painfully aware that she was trapped between them.

Cana sat two beers on the table, one in front of Lucy, and the other in front of Juvia. "I saw you sit down, so I figured I'd bring you one too," she clarified.

"Cana-san is very kind. Thank you."

 _This is it. This is how I die. "Girl is crushed to death by her own gay feelings."_

* * *

 _I can't keep watching this_.

He elbowed Gray in the stomach. "Wha-"

"Look at how painfully obvious they are," was all Natsu said.

"Okay yeah," Gray mumbled, "go fix that."

"Glad you agree."

* * *

After ten minutes of crawling across the rafters, Natsu has successfully pinned the magic mistletoe above the girl's heads. As soon as he was on the ground again, he gave the signal to Mira, and the rune trap was activated.

None of them left until they confessed.

Lucy was the first to get up, confusion clear as crystal when she realized she couldn't leave the table. Cana and Juvia were quick to try too, and Natsu finally lost his composure. "What did you do?" Lucy shouted.

Natsu smiled. "Look up!"

The mistletoe stood out as the plain thing among the bright lights, and the three seemed to pale all at once.

Juvia was the first to remember how to speak, "Juvia doesn't think a three-way kiss is possible, so wouldn't that mean none of us should kiss and we all should be let go?"

"Actually," Mira's voice was quick to catch everyone's attention, "it's set up differently this time. You just have to tell each other the truth."

"Truth?" Cana asked.

Natsu rolled his eyes. "Don't act like you don't know. What do all three of you come to rant to me about on a regular fucking basis?"

There were several middle fingers pointed in his direction along with several not so subtle gestures to try and get him to shut up.

"No," he responded, "I'm not going to shut up. You all need to talk to one another." He turned to walk back to his table, completely done arguing.

"Natsu Dragneel they won't find your body," Cana shouted.

The pinkette turned on his heel and cupped his hands around his mouth, "I'm tired of people thinking I'm dating one of you three useless lesbians! My gay ass wants a boyfriend, honey, so I suggest you use the fact that you are what you eat doesn't apply while you're in there to your advantage!"

Most looked at Natsu like he'd lost his mind, but a handful of them caught on, bursting into raucous laughter in the process.

Lucy choked on her own spit, "Did…" she paused and shook her head angrily, "Did you just inadvertently call me a pussy?"

"No, it was completely fucking deliberate," he clarified, but Lucy wasn't able to respond. Juvia had yanked he backwards and pressed a kiss solidly on her mouth. She did the same with Cana immediately after. "See, Juvia's decided she's not what she eats."

The blood red faces of his friends outshone the Christmas lights, and Natsu knew his work was done. The rune barrier fell in a cascade of transparent purple, and a twisted smirk overtook Cana's face, "You're dead, Dragneel."

Needless to say, Natsu ran.

* * *

 **This was my holigays Secret Santa for Novamore on Archive of our own!**

 **As always:**

 **Constructive criticism is always welcome,** **and if you find a typo, don't hesitate to point it out!**

 **Reviews/comments are my 90% motivation.**

 **Love you guys,**

 **-Jinx**


End file.
